Open Letters #1

When you left, I didn’t think I could survive. Cause how could I? You were one of the most important person in my life. But I wasn’t to you.

Knowing this is a different than accepting it. Making a choice to let you go is actually very different than actually letting you go.

Cause that would entail letting go of all the good memories of you. And I am not sure what I would do if I let that go?

Would I still be the same? Your nonchalance really hurts more than ever. I blame myself for reading too much into yours actions. Somewhere along the line I forgot that nobody is irreplaceable. Maybe I thought that you would just take a little more time to replace me. But no…was it really so easy?

Was any of it ever real? Was it just me all this while? How could I be so blind for so long?

I guess, Some questions are destined to be unanswered?

~S

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Sky Lanterns…

Today I got a sky lantern.

I asked you whether you wanted it.

You said no.

Sky lanterns are one of my favorite things in the world.

And you knew it. Or maybe you just forgot. 

I never flew one before and wanted to do it with you.

But you said no.

Then I realized that sky lantern was my heart and you never wanted mine.

Reality Sucks.

This pain is hard.

One can fight against opposition if it’s outside.

But what do you do, when you are in a fight with your own self?

What do you do when winning and losing hurts the same?

Okay, no more sugar coating.

I am in a dilemma whether to keep loving you or to stop.

I know I should stop. That’s the logical step.

But then you do something stupid like calling me when you are about to faint and I, like the love-stricken puppy I am, run to you. And afterward, kept thinking how I was the last the person you thought of.

I know this is silly, this whole thing. Shutting off my heart from this is the only feasible thing to do. But all I can dream about is how you tell me that you do in fact love me. You tell me that I am worth being loved, worth being fought for.

This is the fantasy world I have created. It gives me the high cause accepting the reality is too difficult. Accepting the alternative is too painful. Cause then I keep questing my worthiness, my love any decisions.

And the worst thing in all of this is you are not at fault.maybe a little but not in a way that it makes you wrong.We are just two people stuck in a wrong time frame. The only way to get through this hell is to keep going through this.

Just so you know, I love you. With all your faults, your scars, and everything. I tried a lot to stop, but this just doesn’t go away. Well, maybe I just have to keep living with this unrequited love of mine. But know this, you are the one and will be for a long long time.

I love you.

-S

Relapse.

23 days, 19 hours, 52 minutes.

And it came back. You.

I was doing so good. But all it took was one nanosecond.

All the effort over these days were suddenly nothing.

I feel like a chain smoker having a long drag of his favorite brand.

Or like an alcoholic having scotch, neat.

Or a realist dreaming again.

The first few moments felt like flying

It’s in mid-flight that I realized that isn’t the skies I was flying to

It’s the ground. I wasn’t flying. I was falling.

#Non-Fiction

-S

Not worth it.

When they leave

It takes some time

To Understand that the

Nightmare has become your reality.

To understand

That you were not enough.

To understand

That you were never worth it.

To understand

That you weren’t worth the fight.

To understand

That it was an illusion which shattered.

To understand

That now you stand in the ruins

Of your future.

To understand

That all’s over.

To understand

It’ll never be.

#non-fiction

-S

 

Why?

It’s been three days

And a part of me is still

Waiting.

But why?

 

Had you cared

Even the slightest bit

Wouldn’t you have shown?

Shown by your actions

That I am not as unimportant

As you are making me feel.

 

Did all those conversations

And secrets and jokes

And a million other things

Over the time we know each other,

Was it all a facade?

Why then?

 

I am shattered now

Do you see?

Do you not sense any change?

Was I so insignificant?

So many questions

And just silence from you.

 

How could I be so wrong?

In seeing through you.

The world I built, is now

Broken and

I don’t have the strength to build

It all over again.

#Non fiction

-S

 

 

 

 

Numb.

Today

I put my heart out

for you.

I was the most vulnerable

I have been in years

With my walls down

And I even put up a smile

To greet you inside.

But like all the others before you,

You proved to be no different.

You left me waiting

Even though you knew

How difficult it had been for me.

You made me believe again in all

That I choose to forget

For a happier future.

I showed you my worst

And you decided you didn’t want this.

And just like that

All the walls which were in pieces last night

Are up, Stronger and Higher.

Now all I feel is alone and numb.

#Non-fiction

-S

 

 

An ideal world.

In an ideal world,

we would have met in a bar

Just drunk on memories

And we would have walked

To the bus stop.

 

In an ideal world,

You would have called back

And we would set a friday

For ‘Thank You’ Coffee.

 

In an ideal world,

we would talk for hours

not about people or ‘wyd?’

but about what makes us better.

 

In an ideal world,

our dreams would lead towards

the same destination

even on different roads.

 

In an ideal world,

after our fights you would come

with chocolate chip ice cream

and I would melt at sight.

 

In an ideal world,

you would reply to my texts,

call back at my misssed calls

and not keep me hanging.

 

In an ideal worldd,

you and I

would be

Us.

 

But even the air around us isn’t ideal,

So how could the world be?

 

-S

 

A Winter Afternoon

And then there were the two of them

Not against the world

But themselves,

And they sat under the sun

one winter afternoon

With nothing but silence between them

He knew what she wanted to hear

She knew he would never feel it.

Maybe it was selfish on her part

To want to hear it so bad

He said it like he meant it

And then she realized why silence was better,

Always better than words, anyway.

Guilt

Though there exists a myriad of emotions in the human personality, guilt is one which isn’t talked about much. Cause, in order to feel the G one has to accept the mistake, has been made and in turn take responsibility at least in front of him/herself.

And then comes the time when you punish yourself and hate yourself for that.

But that isn’t the last straw. It hurts the most when the person closest to you speaks out the words aloud and the world comes crumbling down around you, and you stare stare blankly toward a tomorrow which shall never come.

-S